Heal My Flaws

I still get nervous to talk, I still can at times hold myself back from becoming my best self. I do care about how people view me how present myself. I do have trouble saying no and standing up for myself “when things are and are not going my way”. I still get into a shell when pointed out to say the right thing. I still struggle with saving money, I still struggle with believing in myself. I still struggle with material, paperwork, given to me knowing all this will better ME as worker, citizen, and male role model to better service other on this world.

The Life I’ve built with you oh Lord, I don’t want to change. I know the pain will come, but I know our still here. you always have my back, and you’re holding my hand through everything. I know there is somewhere out there Lord you want me to give my best. I need to learn what my best is so I will always put that as my first approach to moving forward! Lord help me find my best, and be my best and have the pain and the struggle at my best will keep their pushing through that because I don’t want the pain of giving up on myself. The challenges you make me go through is for my best to know its a better spirit now.

I know in this world we say we live in sin and yes, I live in a lot of sin I think.

my sins:

  • woman
  • sex
  • porn
  • suicidal thoughts
  • insecure at points
  • bad mouth
  • smoking
  • drinking

Now these don’t have to be sin! if you chose to respect all your sins and do not fall into temptation of them. Those sins instead could inflict pain or bad thoughts into your mind, just take care of your sins.

Woman- I need only one woman in my life. I don’t make enough money to have more then one woman in my life. I don’t have the charm for more them one woman tat I want to focus on long term. I want to make one woman happy. I want one woman to be my idol, my inspiration. I only need one woman and be my best for the ONE woman. I can tell her my problems, my issues, and lies. I can pray with that woman to give me her all and be by my side. if not Lord thank you for that woman, for helping me transform in to a better man, because I finally came over the fear of all my secrets and shared them with a person that I believe loves me no matter what I have been through.

Sex- I know I am driven by sexual lust, Lust that doesn’t have to be consider a sin but when you abuse lust like I have with using woman or having more then one woman. Watching porn or dating sites none of this is cool! NONE of this is going to make you happy long term, maybe for a short moment when your in the moment. That short-term happiness can be done by your hand or by one woman that your in love and fully committed to. Don’t stress/stretch yourself out to other woman for joy or pleasure (there is a difference). Then you are abusing and sinning between sex and lust. Ruining anything or as a man you can ruin a woman’s life that you are now trying to commit your life to. Be smart about who you are, you know the thing to do YOUR THE MAN! SO GET IT DONE! ONE WOMAN, ONE PARTNER FOR SEX & LUST FOR ONE WOMAN NOT MANY! OR YOUR SINFUL WILL NEVER END. IT CAN END NOW!

PORN- I hate porn. I really do I think its disturbing, and I always force myself to watch it because I try and balance out this ego of “I can get pussy just as fast as I find a porn video to watch”. so I always try for one or other and most of the time I ended with nothing (no porn no woman), or just porn no woman. or I ended with a woman no porn. Also there was times were I couldn’t get a woman and didn’t want porn, and I would give myself no rest. Again I brought unnecessary stress to myself at night when I can just READ A BOOK, OR WRITE IN MY JOURNAL, OR PRAY IN MY SPIRITUAL VOICE. I take those tools that value me in a new form of mindset to heal my thoughts and Bodley urges I have to help me make better choices before I let that urge in my body rise again. I can go read a book, study for my next career, pray to my lord, go on walk with Jersey (my dog). To do all these tools I have to trust in those habits to pull me through those mental blocks. Working on my mental toughness and body mindfulness knowing that when the lust comes to that it is the wrong place and time that peace need to be consumed by me from within with forgiving myself and bring peace to the outside world that will surpass my negative triggers that I am healing from within my body.

(write it out 20 times. where do you feel, or think about forgiveness or tension)

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

I can control my lust.

Night and Day I can control my lust. Jesus is always here for me when I can’t he has my back and gives me strength and the mindset to move past that choice of lust and do the right thing, LET THE FEELING GO!

Suicide- I’m not dying, I’m not dying anytime soon, so I need to STOP thinking about suicidal thoughts. I am better and stronger then those thought is my head. All the support & love that I have from Illinois and Florida. You dying won’t help nor change the problems your putting yourself through. It will change your legacy of how you will be remember if you kill yourself. I will admit I don’t have a lot of insecurities, but I do lower my self-esteem to another persons level to be around them or even to relate to them. I have to remember that lowering myself doesn’t have to change apart of me so I can be with (apart) of who they are so they feel comfortable around me. you always give your best Michael, if your mouth isn’t up to par with the people around you then I need to go and build my life and vocabulary to support what you preach.

Healing- I know when I broke my hands I did change, my perspective of how I so adjust and adapt to life. My mind can Let GO! I am healed, I am healed, I am healed! Lord thank you, for healing me lord. Now I get my health back were it needs to be. I work on my mind and bring structure and organization to my heart and mind. I live to learn the world and learn the world in a way I can bring my best foot forward to be the male role model the Lord has called me to be.

Purpose driven Roots.

Working out

Healthy eating

Pray, worship

working a job

keeping my home clean

be a work house @ work & home

always feeding my filter to learn and succeed

I am entitled to noting!

My purpose- My lord wasn’t for me to fall into traps and mistakes and headaches and come out of them cripple and alone. You put me through all those issues to build my heart and knowledge to know you made this world, the way you made me Lord to serve in your world the calling you have asked me to pursue and not fight against that calling anymore. I have seen now where the world is deceiving and it can take you down a road that will make you give up on yourself. Lord stay my shield of m mind, my heart, my spirit, my worry, my issues. I TRUST IN YOU LORD! WE WILL WIN! AT THIS LIFE YOU HAVE WRITTEN FOR ME! I WILL WIN WITH YOU MY LORD! Lord Jesus, no matter what I go through now if its work I will start my work and I will finish my work with the strength of the Lord and my spirit! When I study for my career or study to make me a better person for my health, soul, and Lifestyle. Lord I will work, when no one else will do that work. I will set goals and achieve my goals because I work hard from start to finish. The Job has taught me, I will learn and keep learning till I know I have learned enough to be the best I can be. I need to put 100%, 100%, 100% of my effort into everything studying, my paperwork, training course or curriculum. I will tackle the job and fix it and get the job done the way I was trained and taught. I will read everything I need for a job to be the best at the job, I will read and study read and study over and over! I will be fluent and work with the teamwork of others to reach the goal we set for our work. even when I get tired of reading, I can’t get tired of reading, I can’t get tired of reading and learning. I can’t get tired of working, studying, learning, or reading. I can’t get tired of reading to sharpen my mind. I can’t get tired of studying to keep myself prepared. I can’t get tired of learning because I DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING!

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